Projects, Life and the In-Betweens
It’s been a few months since I’ve posted anything. People have been asking what I’ve been up to, how the 2nd year of service has been, and the happenings of my day-to-day life.
Short answer; I’m not sure.
But, as you all know, I’ve never been good at being concise, so here’s the typical long-winded, rambling storm brewing in my head.
Since the death of my grandmother back in September and the literal overnight switch between the understanding I would not be heading home until my service was completed, to jumping on a plane and 24 hours later stepping foot on US soil and a hasty return in mid-October, I still don’t think I know quite what happened. My grandmother’s death had been anticipated for quite some time, so that wasn’t the shocker. The recognition that being back in the US as not being a reprieve wasn’t it either. Nor the lack of homesickness that seems so common upon returning to Cambodia.
So what was it?
Back to the short answer; I’m not sure.
At first, I had figured it was just the lack of preparations during that time, deprived of a chance to put two and two together and time to adjust. But that simply didn’t seem to fit the myriad of feelings I was experiencing upon my return, feelings that I still feel today, nearly two months later.
Through my continued day-to-day efforts at site and through my work with fellow PCVs on the textbook curriculum development project, it hit me quick and clean.
Things at site were moving along too easily. My Biomass Briquette Project was still moving forward, having completed two rounds of testing on materials, completed press, cylinder and even acquisitions of trainees and contributors in my absence. Tourism in the area was continuing to grow and BCDO, as always, was continuing with their efforts to provide accommodations, tours and volunteer opportunities. The library I established was in full operation 4-5 times per week.
In short, I realized I’m no longer an integral piece of the puzzle in the projects I fostered and helped establish.
Well Crap…
I’ve come to see through my service how volunteers help establish themselves within their new lives in various ways. Some foster strong relationships with their host families, others with significant others, some with an epic book collection, and many more by throwing themselves into their projects. I’m of the latter. My life here has been defined by the projects that gave me purpose and the drive to continue another day. Yes, my community ties are strong and I have a bond with my host family I will not soon forget, but my true love and drive has been the work I’ve put into assuring “my place” in the community.
With that work taking on a life of its own through the continued efforts of the community, Botamsakor Secondary School, and BCDO, I felt as if my core had been taken from me. The one thing I had counted on since day one to provide a sense of place, was no longer as strong as it had once been.
But is that the case? What is the true goal of project development and implementation? Is it meant to provide satisfaction to the donor or project coordinator? Or is it meant to affect real change and a shift in practices for the betterment of those you work with?
Obviously, it’s never been about the donor nor the coordinator. True development work is there to instill growth and personal strength within the individuals we devote our time to. To see the library functional, regimented even, as well as recognizing that I am no longer needed to guide the Biomass Briquette project along, was difficult. But, even more than that, it was something I would have felt unfulfilled if I hadn’t seen.
During one of the worst classes I ever had to sit through, Cross Cultural Communication, we spoke of the differences between mindsets of different cultures. Specifically, there was a section on the importance Americans place on time in relation to personal growth. When given an assignment alongside a deadline, you will never see anyone so flustered as us. The typical response, based directly upon date of completion, allows for a typical response, what every college students knows as procrastination. The late nights in the library the night before a 20 page paper is due, the red bull after red bull and the comatose nature the next day.
In my case, the necessity to base experience on a regimented timescale left me with an initial sense of defeat. My two years weren’t up. I’m not done here, I have 7 months left. What am I going to do now? Not once in the “rationalizing” of my situation did it occur to me that if I’ve learned anything in my time in Peace Corps, it is that nothing is what it seems and, under that, nothing will ever evolve how you would assume. What I had implemented, I hoped would carry me through my time here.
Rather than looking at this as a success and a chance to watch my work evolve on its own, I found myself wallowing in self pity and boredom. This can continue no longer. I need to get over my ego and look at this as an opportunity to change that about myself and foster an evolution in what I define as self worth. Yes, my time may be considerably freed up now, but that does not mean I can’t keep moving forward. Stagnation is not an option. As tempting as those books and dvds may be, I need to look forward.
And that’s exactly what I’m going to do.
In my remaining time, however long that may be, I’ll do all I can to involve myself when requested and continue to provide any assistance I can. But more than that, I’ve decided I need to look ahead. My service here has helped me realize that this is not the seminal experience of my life, the defining factor that shaped my core being. Yes, this experience has truly and utterly affected change within myself, but I look more to my time here as the first step of many in my journey into what I now recognize as what I want to devote my life to. Development work may be a broad spectrum with hidden agendas, diplomatic precursors, and failed results, but it is a necessary function. It can succeed and it does provide strength to those previously unable to gain it themselves. But it also provides so much more to those working within the sector.
I have learned more from my community and BCDO than I will ever have provided them. Even more so, the days where I had nothing but thoughts to occupy my time were the days I learned more about myself than I could during any other time in my life.
I don’t know what the next few months hold for me, but I’m looking to keep moving forward, fostering the growth and insight I have gained in my time here to continue the evolution I have seen in myself. Regardless of whether that means the continuing my service here, or recognizing that maybe the importance of set dates isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, I will not stagnate. I’ve come to a place in my life where I know who I am and what I want. That may be the naive 24 year old Peace Corps Volunteer who feels he’s seen “it all,” but I don’t think so. If anything, my time here has proven that I know little. I want that to change. My hunger for progression and responsibility can only be sated by moving forward.
So move forward I will.
Be easy,
Matt